If you are familiar with the The Pareto Principle, better known as ’80-20 rule’, it suggests that a small proportion of the potential effort is responsible for most of the outcome, and in order to get to the full outcome, a significantly bigger effort is required. For example 20% of clients in a given company typically bring in 80% of the profits; learning 20% of a new language will be sufficient in 80% of situations where one needs to communicate in that language; you’re very likely to wear 20% of your clothes and use 20% of your tools 80% of the time. Of course the 80-20 range can fluctuate, but the idea remains the same, you don’t need to make a very big effort to get substantially significant results. Following this principle in this article I will discuss methods you can use to dramatically improve your sexuality as a woman, while investing the least amount of time and effort on your part.
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Women are naturally multi-orgasmic. If you are not, then something is getting in the way. That something is usually your mind. The less it is in the way, the more you will experience your sensual-by-design body.
Get out of your head. You need to be in your body to experience deep pleasure and different ranges of powerful orgasms. You probably can relate to that situation, where you can be very close to an orgasm, and at the very last moment you lose it, because your mind got excited, as you were almost there and because it so wanted you to get there, that it got in the way. You can only use your mind to replay an orgasm you experienced in the past. You can’t use your mind to experience a real-time orgasm. If you’re with a lover, you have to let go of your mind and let your lover tickle your body into an orgasm. Later, when you’re on your own, you can replay any of the orgasms you have ever experienced using your mind. Therefore if you’re having sex and you observe yourself not quite being in your body, gently bring yourself out of your head and into the physical experience. Repeat as many times as needed, focusing on being in the body, and loving yourself every time you notice yourself not being in your body. Only through loving you can retrain yourself to be in your body. If you get upset about your mind, you will still be stuck in the mind.
Become clear on giving and taking. Sex can’t happen without one of the lovers giving and another taking, yet we often try to either give and receive at the same time, or only focus on giving. If you only give, it’s unlikely that you will activate the full potential of your pleasure body, if any. If you try to give while you’re receiving, often you won’t be fully there for receiving, robbing yourself of the gifts flowing in your direction and disrespecting your lover by not being there to receive, while pretending that you are. The giving could be physical (e.g. touching back) or mental (e. g. planning what you will do to your lover when they are done giving to you). Therefore, it’s the best to discuss and understand how you and your lover give and receive, and as much as possible take turns with giving, so that the other can fully relax into receiving. Of course there are times when giving and receiving happen simultaneously and naturally, and for some lovers this happens easier than for others. Of course women, who are masters of multitasking, are more likely to be able to do both at the same time than men, but this asset could be misleading, because it’s not about what you can or can’t do, it’s about being totally present with yourself. And there are very few men and women who can do that, especially when being engaged in such unique activity as love making.
Be yourself. If your lover wants you to act in a way, that’s not aligned with your believes, likes and preferences, first, examine those and if they ring true to you, act according to those. The sooner you start living your intimate life honestly, the sooner those lovers, who aren’t a real fit, will leave and those new, who are a much better fit, will replace the former. It’ll take courage on your part, but it’s oh so worth it. When you lie to yourself and act as someone you are not, you do a disservice to your lover anyway, because he doesn’t receive the gift of amazing unique powerful you, but a poorly crafted surrogate. Even if you spent your whole life building an amazing surrogate, it can never outperform your real self, which never goes away and is latent in you, waiting to be called to play. The only way you can be truly a gift to those in your world, is by courageously stepping into your unique you.
Redefine orgasm. For most women an orgasm has been defined by society and media. According to those an orgasm is the big O, typically achieved through clitoral stimulation and after which a woman needs a break because she’s too sensitive down there. No matter how you define what your sexual peak experience is, by making it into a thing, you create large obstacles for accomplishing the thing, because now it’s goal-oriented process. Regardless of whether you play with yourself or with a lover, it’s now all about whether you reached the goal or not, and a higher challenge – how many times the big O has been reached. This sets you up for a guaranteed failure and sexual dissatisfaction because you may not get the big O this time, or you may not get as many orgasms as last time, or you don’t get as many with this lover as you used to get with another one. All of this performance accountability keeps you in your head during sex, preventing you from having orgasms. If however, you redefine an orgasm as a wide range of sensual experiences and not give them different scores, you can never fail at having a beautiful sexual experience. Because even if your lover just gently brushed his hand on your hand as you were crossing each other on your way to your destinations you could experience shivers, thanks to that very brief expression of love. A quick passionate kiss. A naughty touch in public. A slow brush of a hand of your lover over your body as he is falling asleep. A one hour play with your pussy which vibrates and shakes with pleasure, but for whatever reason isn’t ready for a peak experience on that day. And an earth shuttering, name and planet forgotten, OMG, is this even possible, earthquake-like orgasm. All these are orgasms should you choose those to be so. And if you do, you will be free of society- and your self-imposed criteria, and never again an interaction with your own hands or your lover’s body can be a failure.
While it may take your whole life to perfect the discussed mind tweaks, even small improvements in those ways of your mind will lead to noticeable positive improvements of your sexual experiences.
Subtle Energy Sensing
While everybody is aware of the physical experience of sex, all of your bodies are involved in it and some are much more involved than the physical body. Without getting into the metaphysics of human energetic bodies, let’s just simplify and suggest that you have energetic bodies that extend beyond your physical body. And most of the sensual experiencing actually happens within those bodies. While the body shaking during sex is of a physical domain, the shivers, that you may or may not notice are of the subtle domain (etheric body in the case of shivers). The more you develop your subtle energy bodies the more powerful your sexual experience will be. The easiest way to start doing that is to notice when in your daily life you get goosebumps, tingles, flushes, heart openings, beautifully expressive communications, mental wow moments, and any other non-physical manifestations that bring pleasure to your senses, but require no physical contact or stimuli. The more you notice and become aware of those subtle manifestations, the richer your love making sessions will become. Since you will start noticing those during sex and because they are sensual on their own right you will start experiencing and triggering even more of them.
Doing it is obviously the easiest way to improve your sexuality. The more you do it, the better you will become at it. Ideally, do it with awareness, so that you can discard what doesn’t work and keep and expand on what works. You need to make it a priority, if it’s important for you. And you won’t be reading this article if it weren’t important for you. Animal-level of sexuality only requires knowing how to get penetrated and ejaculated into so that you could get pregnant. Human-level sexuality is an art form and as such, requires skill and understanding yourself and your lover. And while you can know a lot of theory, without practicing you can’t become a master.
Breath through your belly. Don’t be concerned with your belly appearing bigger than it it is. This kind of breath, unlike shallow chest breath, helps you to relax, remove anxiety, bring you into your body and infuse it with a lot of life force. You want to start practicing it outside of sexual interactions so that it becomes natural and you don’t need to think about whether you do it correctly during sex. But even more importantly remember to breath at all times. When you hold your breath, the energy doesn’t flow and that gets in the way of having a sensual experience.
Strengthen your PC muscle. Keeping your PuboCoccygeus (PC) muscle in good shape, and having a good control over its contraction and relaxation states, are paramount not only for genital health, but also for being able to reach an orgasm, making it extended and having multiple orgasms, one following the other. The easiest way to identify this muscle is to stop the urine flow during peeing. The muscle you contract to accomplish the stopping of the flow is the one. Incidentally, stopping the urine flow mid-way is the easiest way to exercise your PC muscle, since you pee multiple times a day and if all you ever did is just that, over time you will notice an improvement in your sexual experiences.
footnote: some doctors don’t recommend women exercising their PC muscle using the urine stopping technique due to the fear of not having a complete bladder drainage, which in some women could lead to a potential urinary infection. So make sure you research whether it’s relevant to your unique body, as many women practice this method without any side-effects.
The more advanced version is the Kegel exercise, that most women are familiar with in the context of urinary incontinence prevention and as a preparation for giving birth. Once you identified how your PC muscle feels contracted, start doing sets of contracting and relaxing that muscle, for just a few seconds at the beginning and slowly progressing to a longer duration. For example you may start with a 10 repetition set of 3 seconds contraction, followed by 6 seconds relaxation. The difficult part at the beginning is to isolate that muscle and not contract your whole pelvic floor, face, neck and other unrelated muscles. As you practice it’ll become easy and natural. You may do one to many sets a day. The important thing is not to overdo and to continue the practice day after day. Once mastered and you can easily hold the PC muscle contracted for 30 sec and longer and if you often have sex, you won’t really be needing to do those exercises separately, as you’d be maintaining the PC muscle tone through exercising it during sex.
When practicing the contractions, make sure you to relax the muscles about twice as long as you contract them, to avoid developing hypertension. You want those muscles to be toned and not chronically tensed up. If you already have a condition of hypertension, most likely you need to first work towards bringing your pelvic floor muscles into a state of relaxation when at rest, and only then to start working on toning those muscles. To work on relaxation you may choose to receive a yoni massage or work the inner muscles yourself using a non-vibrating massage wand, such as Therawand. You may still want to do a little bit of PC muscle contractions to help you with developing the awareness of those muscle groups, since this process will be instrumental with overcoming the hypertension.
Since the practice of Kegel exercises calls for a creation of a new habit you will need to stubbornly and craftily ensure that you repeat it daily for 3-5 weeks before it becomes an ingrained habit. You surely have many opportunities to practice Kegel exercises during the day, since you probably find yourself waiting for something, such as traffic lights, elevator, coffee shop line up, etc. The easiest way to remember to practice it is to “bolt” it to an existing habit or a routine action, such as during your shower, after brushing your teeth, first thing upon awaking or the last before falling asleep, etc.
Wear a Yoni egg (Jade egg). Yoni is a Sanskrit word for vulva and/or vagina. Yoni egg is a stone that has a shape of an egg. The practice of wearing this egg-shaped stone consists of inserting it inside your vagina and using your inner muscles to prevent it from falling out. This practice alone can easily be considered as the best practice you can use to take your sexuality to the next level. Most women these days have little idea of what’s happening inside their vagina, they can’t tell where they are being touched and which parts of their vagina gives them the most pleasure. If you close your eyes and someone touches you anywhere on your body you are very likely to tell where exactly you have been touched with a pretty close precision. However if you were to be touched inside your vagina with either a finger, a penis or an inanimate object you won’t be able to tell where exactly the touch occurred. Of course this varies from woman to woman, some knowing exactly what’s going on, others having no sense at all. One of my teachers used to tell this joke:
A British couple are having sex.
She: “Sir, are you in?”
She: “Then, Ah!”.
footnote: while, as in most jokes, “British” can be just as well replaced with any other culture/nationality, in the version I first heard it it was chosen to reflect the negative impact the “Victorian era” had on the sexuality of its people.
Yoni eggs are typically made of jade, obsidian, rose quartz and other precious and semi-precious stones, but practically, any rock of the right shape and smoothness will do. Different types of stone will have a different long term energetic impact depending on the unique properties of that stone, just as with any jewelery you may choose to wear on your body. Most yoni eggs are made from Jade, and hence the common name “Jade egg”. They usually come with a pre-drilled hole and a string attached through it for an easier removal from the yoni.
Start wearing the “egg” for brief periods of time while you do simple chores and when you won’t be watched, because you might not be walking in the normal way as you struggle to isolate the right muscles. Over time, as you develop your muscles, you may choose to wear it 24/7, with an exception of when you sit on the toilet, so you don’t drop it into the toilet bowl and also so that you could relax to do the elimination, and of course during sex. I know at least a few women, who remove it only when they have to. And there are some advanced practitioners who hang a weight from the string attached to the yoni egg and exercise their well-developed yoni muscles with this additional challenge.
It’s recommended to start with a larger “egg”, since it’ll be easier to hold, if your pelvic floor muscles aren’t in their best shape (which is the case for most women). Once you feel that holding the egg inside for extended periods of time is becoming an easy task, it’s time to switch to a slightly smaller size to increase the challenge and tone those inner muscles even more. Because of that progressive need, yoni eggs are often sold in sets of three: small, medium and large.
One juicy side-effect of wearing a yoni egg is that you are likely to become “wet” and quite aroused and ready for a nice sexual experience.
Ben Wa balls are also quite popular with women venturing into this path. These days there are also vibrating Ben Wa balls, but it’s ideal to not use the vibration function. You’re not trying to bring yourself to an orgasm here, but to train your vaginal muscles. Moreover excessive vibration over an extended period of time could desensitize your yoni and require an ever increasing stimulation to achieve pleasure. Less is more here.
Another very important impact of developing strong vaginal and pelvic floor muscles, and having a refined control over isolating each of them separately, is on the length of the intercourse with your lover before he ejaculates (if he does). The stronger you can grip the penis while it’s inside your yoni, and hold it tight, the less likely he will ejaculate quickly. Of course this varies from man to man, but it is the case with most men.
While you strengthen the pelvic floor, also remember that it’s important to reduce tightness in the muscles, especially if it’s a chronic tightness. Taking basic yoga classes would be a perfect start, and then you can ask your yoga teacher for specific workouts for your pelvic floor.
If you’d like to read a book on this topic, I recommend you start with “The Multi-Orgasmic Woman” by Mantak Chia and Rachel Carlton Abrams.
In this article you have learned a handful of relatively simple methods that can dramatically enhance your sexual life. You just need to remember to practice these whenever you can and long enough to make them part of your routine. Even if you pick only one suggestion and practice it, you will experience a noticeable positive impact.
If you have other simple suggestions that you’d like to recommend for women to have a better sexual life please suggest those in the comments section. And of course, reporting that the methods listed here work for you is also important to help women to gain confidence to try those.
If your partner would like to work on his sexuality as well please direct him to the following article: “Low Hanging” Techniques to Dramatically Increase Ejaculation Control.
When you feel you have mastered at least some techniques described in this article you may proceed to the next level and learn to move sexual energy to prolong love making.