Before proceeding with exploring the guidelines for intentional group sex, I highly recommend to first read my notes on why you’d want to do that in first place. In this writeup I go very little into the why‘s and mostly into the how‘s.
If you’re inspired to manifest the intentional group sex in your life, because you want to reduce suffering in your life, improve your sexuality, enhance your wellbeing and last, but not least, do something that most people never get to try and have an amazing time, here are some recommendations on:
- how to make it happen
- how to facilitate it in the most harmonious way for all involved
Table of Contents
The Other Half
The first potential hurdle would be to share your inspiration with your lover and see whether they are on the same page. It’s important that this will not be a manipulation – as in “do this or else“, or as in “I will love you more if you do this“. All you can do is to share why you feel it’s important for you to have this experience. If your lover is not ready, don’t push, the seed has been planted. If it is not met with honest curiosity and desire on the part of your lover, this is a good opportunity to work on the fears. Just bringing up this idea could make your relationship more fulfilling or, of course, it may expose a well camouflaged weakness, which has been there all along, but nobody shined light into it. The planted seed may sprout at a later time, especially if you took time to identify fears and gently and loving work through them at the pace that satisfies the needs of both lovers. One thing is certain – something positive will happen to your relationship. Such proposition could end it, and, yet, it will lead to a positive outcome in the long run, since you will have an opportunity to manifest a relationship, that’s more suitable for your needs and growth opportunities.
As you present this idea first to your lover and later, together, to other couples, it’s crucial to establish, that you don’t have to have a normal penetrative sex with all the usual expectations, orgasms and fireworks. Instead, the initial goal needs to be to just share a loving intimate space together. You can never fail at planning to just caress each other, do some spooning and watch the world go by, while there is another playful couple in the same space with you. And you need to fully commit to that base line, since it’s very possible that the other couple will go wild at it from the get going, and you need to have a freedom of choice of what you do and not get into a competition. This would be especially difficult for men[1]. Once you feel the base line is solid and you’re both comfortable with how you feel, proceed into more active love making.
footnote 1: Also see my notes on the potential issue with erections when several men share an intimate space.
If you experientially delve into this domain of sexuality you will learn so many interesting things about how different each one of us acts, behaves and functions physiologically in sexual situation, depending on whether we are alone, with one other person, with one other couple and with a whole group. I trust you had all of these experiences, while not being engaged sexually. The big gift of sexuality is that when you engage in sex you can’t hide your weaknesses, hangups and unresolved trauma – it all shows up on an platter for all to see, therefore each of those situations will shine light into those parts of you that need work[2]. I hope that you are already starting to see how the intentional group sex work will bring bucketfuls of opportunities for healing, becoming lighter and re-discovering the forgotten freedom of being you.
footnote 2: I was delighted to discover how in a Tantra training, I attended in Brazil, the leaders Homa and Mukto used sexuality to very quickly expose psychological difficulties and traumas in attendees by making them engage in sexual activities (alone and in a group). While the training offered to its participants a few gems to take their sexuality to the next level, the genius was in using sex to expose participants’ dark corners, which they were oh so successful at covering up in their daily lives.
Two Couples
The next even bigger hurdle is to find another couple (don’t try to find many from the beginning!), who might be interested to experiment with you. Depending on your karma it might be the easiest thing in the world, or it might be something that will take a long time to manifest. Tell the universe about your honest desire and trust that, when the time is right, it’ll happen. If you try to push hard to make it happen, it will most certainly backfire. Do talk to potential couples about it, but don’t be desperate or overbearing about it. The less attached you will be, the more likely it’ll come.
While the preliminary talk may happen with not all present, e.g. men or women may discuss it themselves first, the rest of this process should happen with all four present.
Manifesting the first couple will be the most difficult task, since you will be trying to “invite” others into a happening, you haven’t yet experienced yourself. After it happened once and hopefully you had a fulfilling experience, it’ll be much easier to find other couples, since when you will be presenting this idea to potential couples, the energy of your direct experience will do most of the “talking” for you. As you share your insights and revelations, stay in your body and out of your head, and the vibrations of your body through your sharing will transmit to the others everything they need to know. In this situation it is the best to communicate vibrationally, since their bodies will immediately know whether they are ready for such an experience or not. Their heads are still likely to intervene and override the feelings of their bodies, but that’s not your responsibility and it would be a good natural filter, for if they are too much in their heads, it’s not very likely you will have a very harmonious collective intimate experience.
Your first time might be doing it fully or partially dressed, and you make baby steps into that direction of feeling comfortable to share intimacy with others. Remember that there is no rush, each small step in that direction will provide an incredible healing for all involved. If you go too fast, instead of healing and spiritual growth, you’re almost guaranteed to encounter a set back.
While it’s possible to have a threesome, it would lead to a much more complicated situation, since there is so much that needs to be taken into consideration. It so much easier to do with one other couple.
I highly recommend starting with an established couple. It’s important for them to be established lovers, so they are comfortable with each other in bed and this is not their first date out. You want as few obstacles as possible. Trust me you will have plenty of obstacles to work through.
Before you start the shared intimacy experience, make sure that all of you arrive, land and connect with each other. You could get there with an aid of a game, an exercise, a meditation, holding hands in a group, or anything else that makes you feel connected to yourself and others.
I highly recommend not to use any inebriants. While it may appear to make it easier to loosen up and let go, you won’t be able to be fully present with an experience and as a result you’re likely to cross boundaries, get hurt and not want to do it again. Presence and awareness are paramount for this kind of activity. If you need to intoxicate yourself in order to engage in the familiar love making with your partner, while in the presence of others, simply don’t go there. Instead, start with the least scary activity you feel you can embrace without needing to run away, e.g. just have a fully dressed cuddle.
Also remember that any of you need to have a permission to say ‘no‘ and stop the experience if for some reason you don’t feel you can continue, even if you felt totally with it when you first imagined it. If stopped, you need to share what’s happening to you and then as a group you can address the issue if applicable and resume the event, or to complete this experience and try again next time. The better the safety net, the more are the chances that you will succeed.
Once you feel connected as a group, sit in a circle, and allocate a few minutes to each of you to express his intentions, including fears and concerns. The more freely you share, the less you will need to worry about some unsaid things when you move on to the physically intimate experience.
When you feel you’re ready, put on some Chillout music, that appeals to all, and move into full or partial undressing, cuddle and foreplay. In future such experiences you can create all kinds of interesting openings, like striptease, undressing games, transfigurations, etc., but at the beginning keep it as simple as possible.
The next stage is to start being aware of your needs and desires as you get more and more intimate with each other, while being simultaneously aware of the others in the space.
If at any point either of you feels that you need a break or had enough, slow down or come to a still and just hold each other. The other couple may follow your lead or perhaps they are too carried away in a good way, and so you can gaze into each others’ eyes or watch their intimate play.
If you become aware that the other couple is winding down, check in internally at how you two feel. Unless you made such an agreement at the start, if you feel that you’re not quite done, keep going, while trusting that the other couple is able to take care of their needs and if they can’t, they will express those to you. If you attune to the energy in the space you will clearly feel whether the energy is supportive of going longer with it or whether it’s the best to match the energy of other couple and to start winding down. Remember that this is a foray into a collective sex experience, so group awareness is very important. But don’t overthink it too much – trust your feelings instead.
When both couples feel complete, give each other a nice hug and have a group hug (best naked!) and then have a closing circle, where you share how it went for each one of you, sharing the great parts and the difficulties. Plan to meet again in a few days and share again. Many revelations are guaranteed to present themselves after all of you have some time to sleep on the experience.
If you’re into spiritual practice doing a 10-30 minute meditation immediately after the love making and before the sharing is a great idea. It’s essential to bring the energy up to your heart and above and see how this experience have impacted your wellbeing. So even if you don’t have a spiritual practice I’d still recommend to give it a try, you might be surprised as it may lead you into one. If you don’t know what to do, simply focus your attention in the area of your heart and watch your breath. Doing it as a group will make it easier and more powerful. But of course this has to be optional, and perhaps only one of you will do it or perhaps only some of you will. Those who choose not to can simply rest and ideally not talk to interfere with those who chose to meditate.
This is also a great opportunity for you to feel inner gratitude and love towards yourself and the others in the group.
Three+ Couples
Once you mastered intentional sex with another couple (same or different ones), and you feel inspired to raise the bar, you may choose to add another couple into the collective. By that time you will be very well prepared to present your inspiration to others and your radiant energy, emitted by recalling the experiences, will make it easier for others to be inspired to join you.
Of course, adding more couples will lead to a lot more complexity, but not as much as when moving from just normal sex to sex with another couple. It’s most difficult to design the first train car to add to the existing locomotive, it’s much easier to add extra cars, except the train is getting longer. The complexities are mainly of logistic and energetic kinds. It becomes more important to fledge out all the logistics and to make sure that most concerns are addressed before you get intimate as a bigger group. Energetically, well, we all are very different energetically and, therefore, the more people you bring in — the more complex (and interesting) it gets. Think for a moment, about the process of inviting some friends to a dinner and the discussion that it leads to, where you decide whom to invite and whom not to. Now imagine that all those friends at some point will get naked and naughty with each other.
When you engage in 3+ couples it will also be very useful to have a leader or a host couple. Just like in a normal social event of sizable group, their responsibility would be to hold space for all the participants. Which means that their priority will be to first watch for the wellbeing and needs of all the others in the space. So perhaps the hosts’ love making will be less wild and isolated, but instead light and more attuned to the group. It’s possible that the hosts will need to stop their love making at times and physically move to lovingly support another couple who may have a momentary struggle. Depending on the state of the participants, this function might not be called for, but it’d be very smart of you to implement it. If a certain couple is more experienced doing this kind of activity, they will be the obvious choice to hold space, if they are willing.
At the future events other couples may take their turn, but only if they are ready for the job — which may or may not (ever) happen. There is a lot of learning and growth in holding space for others, so hopefully it won’t be felt by the hosts that time after time they aren’t given a chance to have no responsibilities and just fuck. Finally, it’s important for the hosting couple not to take their designation as a job — trust the participants’ intelligence and let them sort things out, offer your support, but don’t push it on them. We grow the best when we figure things out ourselves, and not when someone solves it for us. Expect difficulties. They are a great sign of growth and healing happening in the space you helped create.
All the guidelines presented earlier for 2-couple sex, apply in the same way to 3+ couples, just with even more awareness to details.
Note that I haven’t discussed any partner swapping in this write up. As of this writing I don’t have any experience in doing that and therefore I can’t offer any experiential wisdom. I think this is the next level for opening the hearts and overcoming attachment and jealousy, but for most people it’d be very difficult to manifest, while keeping the honest awareness and understanding needs of all involved. And of course, one can open their heart in an amazing way without needing to neither swap, nor even engage in group sex. It’s just a very good tool that some feel called to use at a certain stage of their life.
If you have some questions about situations that I haven’t covered, please don’t hesitate to ask below in the comments section and if I have the know-how, I will do my best to address those.
To conclude, daring to explore sexuality simultaneously with more than just your lover will provide a very powerful healing and growing of your psyche, wellbeing and freedom to be you. And most of all – it will almost effortlessly open your heart, if you allow it to. And I trust that if you’re ready for such experiences, you will manifest what you need.
(If you know the source of that image I included in this article please let me know as at this moment I don’t know who to attribute it to. Thank you.)
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