Recently I realized that I know a lot about sex. After all I have been studying it in-depth since 2009. And of course I have been practicing sex a lot, experimenting with various techniques, keeping what worked for me, discarding what did not. And this knowledge was calling to me to share it with you.
Let’s Write an Open Source Book
As I have quite a unique experiential outlook on sexuality I decided that the best way for me to share my knowledge with the others is to write a book about it. So I set down and started writing it. I made a really nice progress in the first few hours, mainly creating a layout and putting lots of notes of what will go in each chapter.
Then I decided to take a break for a few days and during the break I remembered that my very first book that I wrote wasn’t written in the void of my computer, it was written online, where anybody who was interested on the subject could contribute with feedback, improvement ideas, suggestions, sanity checks, etc. In fact I wasn’t planning on writing any books at that time. The book was born after several years of writing. For those who knew me some 15 years ago I’m talking about the famous mod_perl mini-guide that became a 924-page book named “Practical mod_perl” and was published by O’Reilly & Associated (today: O’Reilly Media) in 2003.
That collaborative writing experience was quite rewarding in my ways. It was also a huge learning experience for me – I hardly knew English at that time (my 3rd language).
Therefore I decided why not do the same here. I know a lot of people who are passionate about harmonious and functional sexuality. I can ask them to contribute where they feel inspired to. We get all that wonderful knowledge out to the people to have a better life-experience. And then down the road I can curate the content into a structured format of a book. Or not. It doesn’t matter whether the book will be written. The original intention was to share and so it’s still the intention.
How I Became an Expert on Sexuality
To clear the potential misunderstanding, I certainly don’t know everything there is to know about sexuality, and I’m probably far from it. Albeit having studied it for many years now, I can’t help, but to know more than a person who hasn’t studied it in depth. And that’s how one becomes an expert in our society — by knowing more on a given subject than the average person. An expert can educate others and help them to have a better experience in the domain of their expertise.
I first started studying the subject of Tantric sexuality in year 2008, when I became deeply dissatisfied with my own sexuality and decided that I cannot continue engaging in sex the way I was used to. You see, I learned the pleasure of an orgasm very early on. Not having any support from people in my life, I had to practice the art of self-pleasuring in secret and I had to learn to be really quick at it, as any secret hiding place can’t stay as such for long. Little did I know that this is not what a man needs to master in order to have a harmonious sexual life with a women, whose orgasmic build up may easily takes 10 to 30 minutes and longer at times. Oops. But when I had my first sexual intercourse, it was too late, as by that moment I had more than 10 years of masturbation practice which had deeply ingrained the mental and psychological pattern of being “swift” or simply put being a master at premature ejaculation when put in the context of love making.
To make things even more challenging, I experienced a big energy loss after every ejaculation, which made me feel really tired and mentally foggy. A condition which lead me to refuse any form of sex, unless it happened just before going to sleep.
This painful mix of desire for sex and sexual intimacy and psychological knowing that I will regret it as soon as it happened went on for 18 years. It was in 2008, when I was 34, that I decided that there must be a better way.
That’s when I heard of the concept of Tantra for the first time, and which promised the liberation I was after. That year I took all workshops and trainings that held the magical term Tantra in their title and were geographically accessible to me. And in year 2009 I met Swami Vivekananda Saraswati, an authentic Tantric teacher from Romania, who has been teaching the Tantric sciences for many decades and his teachings very strongly resonated with me. I spent the next four years studying full time at his Tantric yoga school in Thailand (agamayoga.com), completing the full 4-year program in 2012. There I very quickly learned that sexuality is but a tiny part of Tantra, and the science of Tantra encompassed all of life. Studying with my teacher had a huge transformational impact on my whole being and my life in so many ways, sexuality being just one of the many.
It took me about 2 years of hard tenacious practice to learn not to be a premature ejaculator anymore and to be able to make love non-stop for several hours in a row. It was a difficult and an amazing achievement. My lovers were in heaven, I was in heaven seeing them in heaven and most importantly I now had an insane amount of energy available to me, as I no longer was losing it through ejaculation.
Since completing my intense 4-year Tantric education, I have been integrating the acquired skills and wisdom into my daily life and work, and the experience has been nothing short of incredible. Granted it was much easier to practice the sexual aspects of Tantra back at the yoga school, where everybody was on the same page. But it was a bubble. And despite being very tempted to stay in that wonderful bubble, I realized that bringing what I learned into the “normal” world is what I needed to do, even though it has been far from an easy task.
Learning Never Stops
The second very big intention for this project is to continue deepening my practical knowledge and to figure out how to enjoy love making more. Learning to control the energy was a first major step and it served me amazingly well.
My next step, surprisingly, is learning how to let go of control, while not losing the sexual energy. I’m now experimenting with ways on how I could totally relax and surrender into the love making experience, experience deep joy and pleasure in my own body, while continuing being an amazing lover for my beloved lovers.
I feel that this new challenge I have set is more difficult than the first one, as anybody can gain control with enough practice and determination. But letting go of control is not that easy. My life taught me a lot about acquiring things, and very little about letting go. So it’s time to volunteer to learn that much less “mainstream” skill.
I am already seeing huge gifts in stepping on that new path, as in order for me to let go of control, I need to release my body from all the insane tension and armoring it has been carrying over the years, and the difficulty with sexuality is but a symptom of much deeper underlying psychosomatic issues. Therefore I’m thankful to my body for manifesting this symptom, which lead me to a need to integrate my mind with my body and live a much more harmonious relaxed life.
The Stress is on Experiential
The Experiential Sex Lab’s focus is on experiential sexual experience. That’s the information here won’t be a reshuffled compilation of hearsay, which the Internet is so full of. But it’ll be on materials that I have personally tried and worked with. And also materials, that others have tried, in case I know there are serious practitioners and won’t suggest something that they have read in a book.
Also I have my own boundaries and there are things that I’m not quite interested in trying, therefore incorporating experiences of others will be essential to have the most complete outcome for everybody to benefit from.
And of course the lab will write for men and women as much as possible. While I’m a man, I can see what’s happening to my sexual partners and they can also share what’s happening to them during the sexual experience.
The bottom line is that you won’t be seeing a Cosmopolitan magazine-like “10 Tips for Better Sex” articles. What you will see is “this is what has been tried and these are the results“.
Dear Stas, it is quite interesting reading your experience about how you delved deeper into sexuality and undertaking 4-5 years of courses in Tantra. What is surprising is after such intense deep dive your first aim was to overcome premature ejaculation, and current aim is again towards letting go during sexual intimacy. In itself they might be quite worthy goals, but what I feel surprised about is that you found sexuality is a small part of Tantra, and yet your goal continues to revolve around sexuality. I mean it is not something more loftier like seeking enlightenment/liberation, serving humanity in its wholesome evolution (sexuality being a part of it), etc. Please clear this seeming contradiction for me.
Thanks & Regards,
Thank you for sharing your curiosity and asking meaningful questions, Rajiv.
On this particular site/project I focus on my work with and about sexuality. But I do work on other things that aren’t covered here. I write about other aspects at Experience Life.
After the dive, my first aim wasn’t to overcome PE. It happened the other way around — PE brought me to Tantra and introduced me to a much bigger spiritual world. As in Osho’s book title: “Sex Matters: From Sex to Superconsciousness“. Of course I’m still working on the Superconsciousness part, mind you.
Nowadays I have been working on letting go of control in my life. In my experience it’s quite liberating. And it just so happens that it’s complicated for me with sexuality due to the debilitating effects ejaculation has on my wellbeing. Therefore I’m trying to find a way that is harmonious for being able to surrender to my lover and the love making process, yet not to feel dead after making love. And again here you read about the sexual aspects.
To answer your final question, I currently believe that the best way to serve humanity is by bettering myself in the non-material aspects of life. As I become lighter and my vibration rises, people around me will benefit directly, through contact with me, and indirectly, through energetic presence.
I hope I answered your questions to your satisfaction.